"DREAMS"
Shot March 2000 in the Prague Polaroid Studio of Jan Hnizdo
ARTIST STATEMENT
My strongest work is always that which I base upon my self
and my experiences. The mental struggle and anguish that I feel
as an artist while I "birth" my new work helps me in
discovering who I am as a person. In recent years, I have turned
more and more to self examination, seeking to open and explore
the parts of myself that I am least comfortable discussing. Struggling
with my emotions, I push them aside until I find a "convenient"
time to deal with them. I know that I am repressing my feelings.
Often, I wish that I was a man, immune to the emotional fluctuations
that seemingly infect women. An intense explosion of my bottled
feelings tells me when I have been holding back for far too long.
I am not always successful in finding the root of these strong
feelings. It seems that the deeper I dig, the the more distant
the answer. For release, I turned to my dreams, those fleeting
messages from the unfettered part of my mind.
To find the cause of my problems, I became the explorer of
an inner land, determined to map this unknown terrain. I fortified
myself for the journey with dream books, encyclopedias, and others'
psychological interpretations of dreams. Keeping a journal handy
for months, I grasped, in the early morning, at the vaporous
impressions from the night. The dreams of friends were mined,
looking for inspiration in their subconscious thoughts. None
of my "dreams" bore fruit. I began to experience frustration
as a result of my inability to comprehend the clues my unconscious
mind was revealing. Where was this trail leading me? If I couldn't
decipher the code, would I ever be able to relate completely
to myself? Worse - the date approached for my studio time in
Prague.
I tried to take my dreams and force upon them meanings - meanings
that my conscious mind deemed appropriate. The books said that
a dream of vampirism was a warning against false friends and
to dream of drowning denoted a loss of property. These canned
interpretations rang false. The books did not hold the key that
I required to decipher my dreams. I pushed myself harder and
harder, but the meanings seemed to elude my grasp. As my studio
time rapidly approached, I flew into a frenzy of activity: Activity
that proved merely a mask. I was nervous, anxious and aggravated
but mostly I was afraid; scared of what lurked deep inside. I
wasn't researching, I was building a wall of useless information
and rationalization between my external and my internal selves.
Looking back at my notes, the realization dawned that I had been
discarding certain strong ideas, those with uncomfortable meanings.
My conscious mind was "protecting" me from my unconscious.
Re-examining my dream of vampirism, I admitted that it was not
about false friends, rather, it expressed my predatory sexuality.
The dream of drowning revealed a fear of being consumed by forces
deep within. I had discounted the notion that my dreams might
refer to deviancy and the darker side of my sexuality. I had
considered only the positive possibilities, and ignored interpretations
with negative meanings.
The answer to my problem became clear: Stop overanalyzing
and let it happen. It was hard to do, but it was essential that
I release everyone else's dreams and ideas. I knew that I had
to focus inward, but I could not let go. It took a powerful emotional
outburst for me to uncork my pent up insecurities. As my tears
dried, my mind cleared, and I started to consider: What dreams
stirred me from a sound sleep? What dreams left an mark on my
mind? These fragments are the message bottles that my unconscious
set loose to beach upon the shore of my waking thoughts. I doubt
that I will ever truly decipher every dream, but I can sense
the aura of each. All I need to do is quiet my mind and listen.
BARBRA BEELER ARTS RESUME
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"Dreams"
